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| I'm absolutely 100% positive I missed a few people in my emailing. If you think I missed you, please email me. If the email bounces, which it's been doing lately, try here: here.
With that said, it is July 1st, and you know what that means!
*hearts*
Feith | | |
| I'm pretty much done, yo. :) I will be emailing several of you personally in the days to come to ensure that we don't lose touch.
Xanga has been very good to me. I've gleaned so much from this place that I can hardly imagine where I'd be without it. My journey from someplace I didn't want to be to this place was almost entirely due to your love, support and encouragement. I love you all, for different reasons, in different ways -- even the ones who've made blogging here really uncomfortable.
I'm not going to open a new site at Xanga, in case you're wondering. Xanga is an expense that I can no longer justify, and despite the love I have for many of you, I am not deriving the same pleasure I once did from posting here.
I know you understand.
Look for my e-mail. :) I've got about 200 to write, so you know -- have patience.
All my love!
Feith
P.S. SaucyVox is still going strong, as is our Poet and Writer's Community, so if you're accustomed to seeing me there, you always will. For those of you who are addicted to my soap and lotion, Native Sun is still going strong as well. If you need urls, etc. please e-mail me. If you don't have my e-mail address already, or you have no idea how to reach me, then wait for your email. If you don't get an email from me, then I either didn't know you existed or I didn't like you much. *lol*
Yes, I'm a bitch, but only when it's called for.
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| When I am in a state of pain, confusion and anger, nothing is as satisfying to me as scooping up something that will break, and throwing it as hard as I can. It's like magic. All that I'm feeling in that moment seems to shoot out of my body, into the object I'm holding, and then shatters into a million shards, leaving me feeling purged and able to think.
I don't like this need I have to destroy something when I'm in that state, but it is far preferable to my past habit of cutting into my own arms, which is how I used to handle it. I have scars from the days when I would huddle in the bathroom with a razor, tears streaming down my face, heart pounding, rage screaming through my entire body. It feels, when I'm in that state, as though all that feeling is going to erupt out of my chest and I am going to die of it. When I used to cut, the sensation was that of venting. It was as though the tiny cut provided a place for the feeling to escape me, and I could, once the cut had been made, calm myself down. Somewhere along the way, I learned that throwing something had the same effect as cutting, only I didn't wind up bleeding and scarred.
It's not the best way to handle things, and I don't expect that I will always handle things this way. I have evolved. My whole life has been about a slow crawl toward response instead of reaction.
But once in awhile, I feel pain so overwhelming, anger so all-encompassing, fear so bone deep, that I pick something up, and I throw it, knowing that once that thing shatters, I will be able to breathe again, to think, to plan, my next step with a clear head. It works, but only if no one goes after me for throwing something. If I'm left alone to calm down and clean up the glass, I'll be ok. If someone freaks out at me for it, grabs me, screams at me, insults me, I feel like I'm being pummelled and my first instinct is to sheild my face. My second is to fight. I'm liable to pick up the next available thing and throw it at them.
That's gotten me hit a fair number of times in my life.
Last night, curled up in the darkness, remembering all the times I'd been hit, either with words or fists, or both, for throwing things, all I could think was --
I must be retarded. I know how people respond to this, yet I still do it. How stupid can I be?
I think sometimes that I must be so flawed that humans respond to me as wolves do to a sick wolf in their pack.
Random thoughts on a tuesday afternoon.
Feith
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| Her mother-in-law died of a massive heart attack. I met her mother-in-law and just absolutely loved her flamboyance, her singular style, and her obvious adoration of her son. I'm sure the family would appreciate any kind thoughts and prayers you may have to offer.
Sad, sad days.
In other news, I'm almost finished the 'Zine. (I keep saying that, don't I?) Someone suggested I do it weekly. Like I'd have time??? Sheesh. It takes 100s of hours to put it together, no shit. 100s. It takes an immense amount of effort to edit, to create the design, to search out the artwork that accompanies each piece of writing, to write to columnists and writers requesting biographies, articles promised, books recommended...
In other words, I feel a little overwhelmed. However, I also feel like my success at doing this three months in a row, even while designing skins and doing readings proves my abilities in a way little else can.
I work well under pressure. Oh yes, I do.
In other, other news...
Kidlet had a tantrum over our decision to forego the library in favor of a trip to Pedernales Falls and I had to ground him, which means I'm also grounded. Oh fucking joy. So I'm home while M is out cavorting with his friend Grady and his girlfriend Jen (who I just met today, who I think is absolutely my type of girl, who is really fun!!!)...
...and I'm sitting here feeling pretty freaking pissed off at my kid.
Grrrr.
Parenting occasionally sucks.
I'm glad though that M is out and having fun. I get to go out a lot these days, what with girlfriends picking me up to take me to coffee, etc. I get a LOT of time away, where he gets off work so darned late all he ever gets to do is come home, eat, watch whatever's on or play video games. Poor love. I wish more for him. I want him to shine. I want my presence in his life to mean he gets to shine even more...
With us being so fucking poor though...with our situation meaning I am completely dependent on him...well, shining is difficult at best.
You know we're going to get married, right? Well, we are. And as soon as we are and I'm able to work legally, I'm going to pay him back a thousand fold for every sacrifice he's made for me and the Kidlet.
He's a good man. I love him for good reason. Go tell him you think he's wonderful.
Feith | | |
| I don't feel much like working on my autobiography lately. It seems like a selfish indulgence in the midst of this crisis.
I don't want to talk about the war either, because I'm not informed enough to offer an opinion beyond my gut reaction, which is that it's wrong.
So that leaves me with this: I'm going on hiatus until I feel moved to write about something other than those two things.
Updates will be made to the SaucyBlog regarding the eZine if you want to keep in touch.
Meanwhile, I am taking clients for readings again. I have some excellent referrals right here in the xanga community, people I read for last year. The method is simple. You call me, I give you a reading, and you pay me what it was worth to you, either via paypal, wire transfer, or certified check.
We haven't got a pot to piss in these days. Seriously. If I don't start making an income soon, I'm going to have to appeal to the Embassy to send me home on the Canadian Gov's dime, which will put me in a lot of debt, and will split Marc and I apart. If I go back now, the chances of my being able to come back are very slim. I will likely be banned from the country for three years, if not more due to the current political climate.
If you want to help, get a reading. They are an hour long and include some written material about your numerology. If you don't want a reading, you could pay me to build a website for you, or create a xanga template.
I don't want donations or charity. I'd like to work for you in whatever capacity you'd like me to.
Email me for further information at feith@saucyvox.com
Feith | | |
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